The Conflict

There comes a time in every parent's life when what's best for your child and what's best for you are in stark opposition. I suppose this conflict will happen over and over again, but tonight I had to make a really hard decision: Do I go on my trip that I've been really looking forward to? Or do I stay home with my sick baby girl?

My parallel self is driving to the airport right now. The real me is sitting on the sofa feeling sorely disappointed.

After doing so much better yesterday after 4 days of the stomach flu, Hana took a turn for the worse this morning. She woke up after a good night's sleep, had a good nursing, was OK for a bit but then got clingy and cranky, and 30 minutes later threw up all over me while in the ergo. After that, she perked up and even nursed some more and ate some applesauce. But then she fell asleep again on Pete. Woke up for a few minutes then fell asleep. I went off to work around 11 am and she stayed with Pete but basically slept for the next 5 hours with only brief wakings. I started to worry because she seemed to be worse than yesterday, although she still did not have a fever. I came home from work early and she had woken up and was all over the place, playing and having fun, but still very whiny and clingy. And VERY ambivalent about food. Begging for it one minute then throwing it on the floor when we finally gave it to her. She did have a few nibbles here and there and drank some formula. But mostly, she's just been wanting to nurse.

My dilemma: Should I leave her for 36 hours when nursing seems to be the main thing she wants to do? I ultimately decided that the answer was no. She's barely eaten anything in 5 days, and she's never gone that long without nursing. Would she be OK without me? Yes. Would she be unhappy without me? Yes. Would I feel horribly guilty for leaving? Yes. Would I have any fun knowing she was home sick, probably intermittently miserable? No. Would I worry the entire trip that she got really sick or dehydrated and had to go to the hospital? Yes. *Sigh.* I know it's the best thing for her for me to stay. But I was sooooo looking forward to this trip. It would have been my first time away from her overnight.

Just for kicks, I'm going to tell the story of my trip as if it happened.

Got to Vegas and settled into my hotel around 11 pm. Then Mike and I headed out to walk the strip! I've never been to Vegas. The lights are blinding. We stopped in a couple of casinos. For fun I spent $5 in the slot machine. I did not hit the jackpot. By 1 am, we were both tired and went back to the hotel.

Tuesday morning we got an early start. Mike picked up the rental car and we gathered up our maps and headed for Bryce Canyon. A beautiful 3-hour drive through desert and forest, with intermittent thunder and lightning and rain. We arrived and decided to do a 3-mile loop hike. So pretty. We were decked out in our rain slickers and the trail was a bit muddy, but it was still fun. We had powerbars for lunch and then hopped in the car to hit Zion. Two national parks in one day. Zion was great too. We did a strenuous hike to the top of a hill with great views. By the time we got done we were ravenous. We stopped for burgers, fries, and shakes on the way back to Vegas. Arrived back at the hotel around 10 pm. We hung out at the hotel bar for a bit, just taking in all the weird people and sights. Exhausted, I fell asleep by midnight. Got up early the next day, and flew home to see Pete and Hana!

It would have been so nice...

Mike may get out to the Bay Area this fall, in which case maybe we can do a local day trip. In the meantime, I have a $350 credit with Southwest. I'm sure I can find a good use for it.